Hey Y’all!!! For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Jordan Flowers. To sum me up in a nutshell, I am 100% crazy & wild and when it comes to sharing my life I am an open book. Sometimes I wonder how my husband, Casey, puts up with me and my crazy ways. I am also a #BoyMom to 2 adorable little guys, Caleb (age 7 ¾ he makes sure to tell you the ¾ part because that means he is closer to 8 than to 7) and Dax (who will be 2 on Flag Day… June 14th). Those three guys are my life and my everything; they are the reason my heart beats daily.
I have followed Kendra for a few years now and I consider her a friend, even though we haven’t met in person yet. I say yet, because we live like 45 minutes from each other so it will happen one day. Kendra is always so uplifting and encouraging and giving us new ways to look at life. I love her blog, her IG, her FB and everything else because it is nice to have a refreshing outlook on life this day and age. If you are new to her blog, stick around because you will LOVE it here.
Kendra asked a few of us moms to write a guest blog that related to motherhood and I wanted to write about something that most wouldn’t even dare talk about. I suffer from depression and when I get depressed I turn to food and to my bed to help get me through the tough times. The depression has affected the type of friend I am, the type of wife I am and even the type of mom I am. Being a mom is a tough job, but add in something like depression and it makes it just that much more difficult.
I love both of my boys to pieces and would go to the end of the earth for them, I would take a bullet for them, and I would give my life to save theirs…. You know, the typical things a parent would do for their child. However, when my depression hits from time to time, it is hard for me to even get out of bed to feed them or to parent them.
This past November I had some friends come to visit from Utah, once they left to head back home, this cloud of depression took over my life. I felt alone and I was very sad. I am not sure what triggered it, maybe it was the visit coming to an end or maybe it was just the holiday blues, but it swallowed me up and held me captive. The holidays are a time to watch the magic in your children’s eyes and all I wanted to do stay in bed and ignore my boys. Anytime Caleb would get excited about that damn elf on the shelf or wanting to see Santa Claus, my anger would grow and over the course of the next month, I was beyond frustrated with him. Dax was 1 ½ and very mischievous and would get into everything, leaving me yelling at him daily. My husband worked the opposite shift than me and that meant I was alone to parent the boys from 2p to midnight 5 nights a week. With each passing day, my depression got darker and darker and my anger levels were higher and higher… I was at the point that even the smallest thing would set me off.
On top of it all, every time I yelled at the boys or hid from them (because all I wanted to do was sleep and eat the day and nights away), a little bit of mom guilt creeped into my heart and made me feel worse than I already did. This was supposed to be the most magical time of the year and here I am ruining it for myself and everyone around me. My marriage started to suffer because of it and my boys started to pull away from me. Caleb even admitted to Casey that he was scared to ask me something because he was afraid that I would yell at him or ignore him.
Then to add to it all, my health started taking a turn for the worse. Every other week I was sick and I visited the doctors 3 times from November to January for medication. I was stressing myself out so much due to all the depression and guilt that I was making myself sick. Being a mom is hard, being sick and being a mom is even harder… I remember lying in bed one afternoon after finding out I had walking bronchitis and an upper respiratory infection and asking God why did he give me these boys? Why did he make me their mom? I laid there and cried even thinking about these questions going through my mind. I love my boys but I couldn’t take care of myself, why did God think I could also take care of these boys on top of it all.
Luckily, Casey has been around long enough to know how to handle me when I get depressed and he really stepped it up and took on my role as much as he could. He gave up overtime and spent more time at home. He sent me away to a hotel so I could have a night alone. He found babysitters to help me when he wasn’t around. He took care of groceries and meal planning. He tried his best to carry some of the stressful jobs for me so I could focus on getting better. I remember him telling me one afternoon “Jordan, something has to change, you aren’t the woman I fell in love with anymore. You deserve to be her again. Our boys deserve their mom back. I deserve the love of my life back.”… Something in that truth, hit me hard and I decided then and there enough was enough.
I pulled myself up as much as I could and started getting back to the gym (normally, I live in the gym and I love fitness so much but since the depression hit, I gave up on myself and that meant giving up the gym too). I wish I could say it was a quick fix and I felt better within a week, but in reality it has taken a few months to start feeling better again. It took a few months before I could smile without having to force it. It took a few months to stop taking naps and instead spend the time being around my boys. It took a few months for that irritation level to go back down to normal. But when it started to change, my boys started to notice. Caleb told me last month that he loved being around me when I am a happy Mom. Dax has started wanting to come to me when I enter the room now. It wasn’t an overnight thing, but with every passing day I was able to pull myself out of the funk and get back to being the mom and wife I was created to be… instead of faking it and hiding from my life.
If you suffer from depression, please know you are NOT alone. Please know that you are loved and that even though the depression might suck sometimes, life will get better if you put in the work to overcome it. Please know that you aren’t a bad mom for yelling, for getting angry, and for hiding from and ignoring your kids… I have been there too.
To Caleb & Dax – Thank you for loving me in spite of my flaws and depression. You boys are heaven sent and I promise you that depression or no depression, I love you more than you will ever know. I promise you that I will always try to be a good mom (key word try) and I ask that you forgive me on days that I fail.
To Casey – I love you for loving me. You are my rock and I don’t know how I would survive this rollercoaster I call life without you next to me. Thank you for letting me be perfectly imperfect.
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